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A new start

I am starting a new relationship with LJ today.  It has been almost 6 years since I posted my last entry.  Since then - so much has occurred.  My husband and I have been able to work through relationship problems, he has become a more helpful and caring person.  We moved to Atlanta, GA.  During the most recent viewing of the Oscar's I experienced a trigger and had a break down.  When I was young, I was sexually assaulted by my great uncle.  Since then, I have not been able to be intimate with my husband, have had PTSD responses which have included accusing my husband of assaulting me after I initiated sex that I didn't remember and I was sober the entire time.

I have seeked out professional treatment, but sometimes I will be using this to get out personal thoughts.   Because of the family dynamic, I can't share this in any public domain where family has access.
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(no subject)

Yesterday, Wednesday, was the worst day of my life.

I am not ready to share all the details, but right now, I have a broken nose, Joe was in jail for a few hours, and my marriage may be gone. I say may, only because I have been telling Joe for quite some time he needed to seek medical help for several problems he recognizes he has. He has not, but if he does, and changes himself, and how he handles life, then we may be together.

If not, I will be getting a divorce.

I am at my parents, so no one worry, my safety is not in jeopardy. Joe came over today and saw Elijah for about an hour, and was very civil, but said something things to me that I could not respect. A lot needs to be done for me to consider even moving back home.

Additionally, do you know how much a fucking broken nose hurts? A LOT.

Please do not preach about leaving him. I am not staying with the Joseph of current. I will stay with the Joseph who can love me, and treat me, and respect me, and never puts a hand or fist near me.
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My emotional breaking point.

I hit my wall yesterday. My emotional straining point with wedding planning. Fifteen days and I hit it.

I hit it because one of my great friends from Pittsburgh replied to my friendly reminder for the RSVP. He responded that he wasn't sure if he and his partner would be able to make it. It wasn't the concern that he wouldn't make it. He had a great reason. He is trying to make a trip down to see his very sick grandmother in South Carolina, who I have known was sick since May-ish. Unfortunately my friend's partner works for the IRS, and getting time off... not easy. I hit my wall because I wanted the time off not to come through, because that meant he could come see me, and I was being selfish. And not because I felt like he shouldn't go see his grandmother.

But because I feel like everyone else who has RSVP'ed no and given a reason has had very shitty reasons.

I literally got an RSVP back from a girl I have been friends with since Jr. High say she couldn't make it because work has a party that night. People won't be attending because they are going to a Football game the next day. They just went on a trip. What gets me is these people have had the STD cards since January. Request off, tell them you had well preplanned plans.

But don't try to sound so sincere to me, in an email, on an RSVP, or in a phone call/text that says you can't make it for some BS reason you could have changed.

I went over to my mom's and I was talking to her about it and I started to cry again. My mom made a great point "the people who want to be there, and are important will be there."

Yes, but some of those who WANT to be and are IMPORTANT, can't.

I can't really post this in the wedding plans community because I think people will blow it way out of proportion, and I am just not interested in that. I just need to vent.
nice things.


So today, me and Elijah went to Target and I got one of their little bags of popcorn, for us to share. We got it around 2 and have been munching since then.

We are towards the bottom of the bag and I poured about 1/2 into his bowl. I am snacking on the other half of the remainder. He grabbed it looks into the bag, and poured the remainder into his bowl and looks in the bag and says "all done" and hands it back to me.

I just sat there mouth wide, in shock.

He just laughed at me.

What kind of child have I raised?!?! Wanted to share the moment.
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Week of awful... day 98...

So Tuesday night was the craziness of Joe's parents. I thought that was how bad the week could get. WELL No... actually I wasn't. I woke up Wednesday to Joe explaining he talked to his father, and his father may be getting a divorce, and they won't be attending the wedding. WONDERFUL. I didn't at all feel responsible for the first part, but I was really pissed about the second. Just what I was concerned about. They were backing out of the wedding and the rehearsal dinner. So I called my mom explained what happened. All the while I have a splitting headache. Headaches happen for me when I get stressed. My body responded by basically being completely achy and tired. SO ANGRY. My mom said Patty wasn't invited after I explained when/what she said about me being a whore....

Well my mom came and picked me up, and I spent the night at my parents. Good thing because I just got progressively worse. My mom states she will take care of the rehearsal dinner, and apparently while I was sleeping for 22 of 24 hours on Wednesday they took care of stuff. I woke up Thursday, and thankfully the headache was gone. I still felt tired and sore however.

But then there was something new on Thursday. I had a sore throat. Great right?!?! Well by Thursday night/Friday morning I had a stuffy nose, congestion in my chest and a slightly sore throat. Well that is what I had through Saturday as well.

Today... the awesome keeps going... I have poison ivy. Now this wouldn't be bad, but I am the person who gets poison and it COVERS MY BODY quickly and the only way it goes away is with steriod medication. I wish I was kidding.

So this has been the most awful week. I haven't been to school, or guard, and I have just been dealing with me and drama....

On good news I got to meet some of Joe's family, and it was awesome. His uncle Ricky (Whom I've meet before) is just great, and we had a greeting that was straight out of a movie..

So I am sitting with my back to the door outside, talking to his cousin Juli (Ricky's daughter) and he walks up and Juli asks if he has met Elijah, and he replies "Of course, I think I met him when he was about a month old." I kinda laughed and said, "it was more like a week old." He turned, and said "OH SHANA HI!!!!!" Lit up, came over and gave me a huge hug. Ricky was the first person on Joe's side to meet Elijah, besides his mom, and the only one who has been great to me and Elijah.

No one in Joe's family is like his father. Most of them are relaxed and calm. THANK GOODNESS.. And through all of this BS, Psycho has agreed to send Aeline to us for the wedding. It was the shining light.. partially throught the worst week ever!
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What the FUCK?!? ****RANT INCOMING****

So I get a call from Joe's dad, very pleasent. He wants to talk about the wedding. He called sometime between 7 and 8 and I didn't get done with guard till later. I actually left around 8:15 so i could spend some time with my parents, and Elijah. I haven't really seen Elijah a lot in the past two days, so I wanted to spend more time with him. So before I got to my parents house I called Joe and asked him to call David (Joe's dad) about what he needed. I got a call shortly after I left my parents -- around 9:15 from Joe. He had his dad and step mom on the line. Joe says they want to know how many people will be in from out of town on Friday night..

Honestly, no freaking answer to that. They have agreed to set up the rehearsal dinner and that has been set all along, but it was to be direct family (grandparents, parents, brothers and sisters) and attendants with their significant others. We did it this way because A. they are on a budget, B. we don't know when people are going to be arriving because most people will be able to come in the day of and make it on time, and C. if we invite all out of town guests the rehearsal dinner will be almost 100 people... not kidding here. That was the deal set TWO MONTHS ago, so I kinda start to get a little frustrated that I am explaining this again.

I hang up with Joe and I call David and Patty(stepmom) directly. Joe doesn't know too much about the arrangements because he works so much, he hasn't had a lot of time lately to be involved in it, and you can hear him getting frustrated with the same questions. Patty starts laying into me... how I am being rude, and its inappropriate, and on and on. Look, my family know its a budget thing, they understand. I don't think anyone will find it rude, or tacky... they will be enjoying themselves. David starts to get worked up, because Patty is now getting loud and yelling, and she has stopped listening. She is asking the same question over and over. Well, he starts to get loud with me, and in the background she starts blaming this shit on me. She asks why I can't call. LET ME TELL YOU WHY I CAN'T CALL YOU IDIOT. Monday through Friday I am at school or working with the band from 11A-9P. I get to spend one hour at home everyday, and I take that time to just sit with Elijah, eat a snack, and watch a TV show together (I think its usually some show about savannah animals). That is our time together. I get one hour of it a day. When I get home from band/school I put Elijah to bed, spend an hour relaxing usually catching up on the news, and then I start school work. I fall asleep IN my school work around 2 AM... then I start it all over again. Saturday and Sunday, I get reprieve but its just me and Elijah, so I take care of groceries, or other errands throughout the week I have neglected. Yes I could call then, but honestly, I had all this shit resolved by the beginning of August so I could use my weekends to myself. Not to spend time dealing with this.

She keeps going on, progressively yelling more and more, and not listening. She starts saying how RUDE we are being, and how INAPPROPRIATE we are. *eye rolls* I finally stop her and say listen, all of this was handled over a month ago for a reason, and I don't have time to deal with this. She says something about not being involved in any of that stuff, and I just broke and I said "THIS IS THE REASON YOU WEREN'T INVOLVED." She starts going off, and finally says "YOU PULLED ME OUT OF MY MOTHER'S WAKE AND I WON'T FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT."

Now let me take a side moment here. I had not attended the funeral because I cannot handle them. I am an atheist, and honestly the end of a life is very hard for me. Because to me, there isn't anything after that. When Joe's maternal grandmother died I went to the internment. I wept like a baby. I had never met the woman and I cried worse than Joe. So I didn't attend Patty's wake, and when Joe came to pick me up he asked Patty to come talk to me because I was very upset with the way she treated me and called me a whore. I did not ASK for Patty to come away. I actually told Joe I wouldn't do it then because she needed to deal with the family stuff. I even said that to her, but she and he agreed we should talk.

I was boiling at this point, and my whole body is shaking, and I am trying to drive, but it is just not working. I was at a stop light when she said that and thank goodness. I just screamed "YOU CALLED ME A WHORE AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT." I took a breath and said to David, "I am sorry. I thank you for the attempt you made, but I don't want your help anymore. I didn't want this to happen, and I am sorry it did, but I just can't handle this anymore." I am sure he tried to reply something about taking a breath, but I was about to cry and I wasn't going to let them hear that. I just yelled I didn't want the help anymore, and I hung up. I started shaking and crying, and I am so frustrated.

Why was this call even made to begin with in the first place?!?! All the actual information discussed was already discussed over 2 months ago!?!??! I sent him a calm email after I got home explaining everything that SHOULD have been discussed in the phone call, and advising that between me and him this was already resolved a month ago. I told him how he could get in touch with me, and how I can understand if he doesn't want to continue doing this, but in the case he continues to, I will not be speaking to her at all.

I am so upset, and I am so frustrated. I had intended to come home and do more schoolwork, and try to find a baker. But now I am ranting on because I just can't fathom why someone would start this shit up, when A. they were asked not to be involved in conversations... and have still inserted themselves and B. HAD ALL THE INFORMATION THEY WERE SO ANGRY THEY WEREN'T GETTING ANSWERS TO! Right now, Joe may not have any parents attending his wedding. I hate that. because of his stupid stepmother and his fucking jerk of a stepfather.

DAMNIT! I wish I had something more positive to post about. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
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(no subject)

I haven't posted too much lately, at least since Aeline was here.

Elijah has started speaking more, which is awesome. We are up to a good 10-15 words I would venture. He has some two-three word phrases. But they are packaged. Like "there you are" is a phrase he can do, but he doesn't know how to say, "there" "you" or "are" by themselves. We have started speaking to him in two word sentences, so when I should be the one getting something, I say "mommy get". He has started getting this and sort of using it. It will say "help.. help" "mommmmmmm help" and I ask "mom get?" and he claps and shakes his head. We are getting so much more communication, and it has helped change his behavior. It is a great feeling, to not have constant meltdowns and freakouts when I don't understand him or he doesn't get me. We had a occupational therapist review, thinking we needed to consider him for autism review/therapy we scheduled the appointment, because he is still having a lot of sensory based concerns. They came in and resoundingly said he cannot be autistic. That day he was on the best behavior I had ever seen. But it is great to hear. As long as we keep with speech therapy, they are going to see him once a month to go over sensory concerns. Ways to get him stop toe walking, pocketing food, still mouthing EVERYTHING, and requiring certain pressure points to be met for sleep and relaxation. For example, he will not sleep on his belly anymore, or if he does not alone. He needs something pressed up against his back and side. So the easiest way for him to sleep is on his side with a pillow up against his back. This is the only way we have found that he will sleep alone. If he rolls on his belly, and he isn't yet fully asleep he will wake up.

School started yesterday, and I am apprehensive to say the least. I have 6 courses total. English, Cost Accounting, Intermediate Accounting 1, Finance, Information systems, and Yoga. I had Yoga last night, and I can feel EVERY muscle in my back. I don't sit up straight because I have such a large chest that my top half just gives up. I feel great, so I am looking forward to continuing it and feeling awesome for the wedding.. The rest of the course load is a bit intensive though. A lot to do, a lot of time to focus and I hope I can do it because next sesmster I am hoping to add a class to this same schedule. Tax Accounting, Yoga, Intermediate Accounting 2, some kind of science, marketing, Auditing, and one other class. If I can pull of A- to B- I will keep a 7 class semester spring. If not, it will have to be 6. Which questions my graduation semester. I can do it though.

Wedding stuff. Oh... wedding. So the concern I have about the cake MAY be resolved. I contacted my friend's sister. Her mom is the baker I have been trying to get in touch with. She said she will have her mother call me, so if that happens this week I will be really excited. Just 40 days till my wedding. FORTY DAYS!! Can I get another month please??? LOL. I am truly going to miss all the planning, but I don't like it too much right now. I had a meeting with my venue coordinator, and they added a stage to the one corner of the room. At first I was very concerned and upset, that it was going to detract from the room, take up space and just cause problems. Well we found a great solution. The head table will be placed on the stage. And our "head" table with be a 10 seater round top. It wouldn't hold a square/rectangular table, and I didn't want a sweethear table, so we got exactly what we wanted. We have only received 35 RSVP's, for a yes. That means there is still about... 100 people out there who haven't responded.

And here is a question, which I will probably pose to the wedding communities but I thought I would ask you guys first: I have people I wanted to invite, but couldn't because family literally took up our entire guest list. We could invite them now, and have the $$ for them as we already budgeted for other people, but I have no more invitations. Well.. I have invitations, I have no more envelopes. So do I get cheap invitations that are nothing like our other ones, hand them invitations without envelopes (they are pocketfolds so they wouldn't just be getting one piece of paper, or do I send them a nice email? These people are already well aware of the size of my family, so they weren't even expecting invitations, so this will be a nice surprise for them.

Weight!!!!! I am down to 267. Yes.. 20 lbs I have lost in just 3 weeks. I didn't take my medicine one day because it was too late and I would have been up till 6 AM with the need to do a billion things.. and I see my problem. I am constantly feeling a need to eat. Sometimes I am hungry, but it isn't always, because the amount I ate that one day was rediculous. It was probably about 3,000 calories. Right now I can take about 1,400 calories. When I don't take the medicine my stomach feels like a bottomless pit. I can't function and the only thing I can think about is food. I don't know it if is a mental process, or if my brain and my stomach just aren't working together, but thats my problem. I have to see my doc on 10th again, to review if I should continue with the medicine, and I am going to ask that I do... but I am going to ask her about that. I know that is my problem so I just need to find an answer, and quick, because I can not be 200+ for my life. I will not have that happen.

Alright! I think that is all I have for now. It's a lot. thanks for sticking through it.. lol.
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Weight Loss and Weddings.

I have been trying to lose weight for... well forever. I've done every diet, tried a ton of exercises, and nothing. So my doctor put me on Metformin, but my body was not having it. AT ALL. I was in the bathroom just minutes after eating, and I still was able to gain 7 lbs. My doc decided to go a little more drastic. Phentermine. And its working. Already two days in and I see a difference.

Day 1.
Breakfast- 1/2 bowl of mini wheats
Lunch- meatloaf and mac & cheese
Dinner- Grilled Chicken Salad
Snack 1- homemade strawberry banana smoothie
Snack 2- 6 frozen strawberries

Day 2.
Breakfast- (actually at lunch time-when I got hungry) - Garlic knot
late Lunch- 1 slice of pizza.
Dinner- salad and 1/2 cup of chili
Snack 1- smoothie
snack 2- pretzel and 4 fresh strawberries

I started the end of Tuesday- the first day, at 287.

Today I weighed in at 279. It's a big drop, and I imageine that eventually it will taper off, but if I can get my body to NOT need food all the time I can lose weight. That is my biggest problem. I am always hungry. I almost have a compulsive need to eat.

Oh my goodness, so many things are coming along so well and I am so happy. Except the cake. It's still up in the air, and I may end up with cupcakes. CUPCAKES. Do not want. No offense to anyone who choses this. It's just not my style or what I wanted. I found cheap candy online, and am ordering 25 lbs!!! I have to wait till its cooler, otherwise they can melt.. I still have 3 invites to send out. A man I've never met and fought with about politics for hours, my great Aunt Emma who is awesome, and President Obama and the First Lady. How do I address to the President. Mr. and Mrs. President Barack Obama? Apparently they send a nice letter of Congrats, and I think that would be something great to have. Especially for a President I voted for.

Anyone interested you can find my awesome beautiful absolutely amazing guestbook here. These are the pictures from our engagement/family session with our photographer. They are AWESOME.
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(no subject)

Crazy updates...

Aeline leaves tomorrow to go back home. She WILL be here for the wedding. We got verification from her school that she can miss three days, we told her mother, and we verified she wants to be here. So guess WHAT... we are sending the notification to her mother "writeen notification" and buying her ticket. If her mom plays games... back to court we go.

Throughout her visit we went to the Baltimore Aquarium, the Statue of Liberty, FAO Schwarz, The US Capitol, The Washington and Lincoln Monument, Georgetown Cupcakes (The DC Cupcake show), and like a few other great places. OH the PIttsburgh Carnegie Science Center, and Hershey Park. We got to spend a lot of time with her and getting to know her and it was great. This past week Joe took off work completely unpaid to just spend the time with Aeline, and I thought that was great. I find family to be very much more important than money, and it sucks financially, a little, well... will, but I am Ok with that.


Invitations went out, and I loved them. I edited the wording just a little, and I got a great little message from my grandma that she loved the wording and she had never seen something nice. She said, "I sure like your invitation the wording sure is very nice have not ever had one quite as nice.  You are really sombody else you really surprise me." That was a little pick me up!

Joe's dad is totally pissing me off. He wanted to spend 25-30$ per plate on lasanga, or chicken for the rehersal dinner. I thought that was totally BS, and I said no.. if we are going to do something for like 20$ for just ya know... 30 people.... I want it to be something I want. So we came up with a really lounge feel idea with a laid back buffet... pizza, wings, and salad, and then after dinner enjoying the pool that is in the hotel. It cost about 20$ per person and he is being all shitty about that. Like, WTF.. Go ahead and have your 30$ stuffy stuck up dinner and you can just run the whole thing. DICK.


For bridesmaid gifts I think I am getting my sister a coach wristlet, a necklace, and a giftcard. My friend is getting her dress, a necklace and a giftcard (her dress cost me 30$). The boys are getting their shoes - chucks, and one is getting a barware set, and the other is probably getting a grilling set. These fit the people to a T I think.

Cake-ok... can I just scream about this!!! My sister recommended this person she used to work with. I have called this woman THREE times and she hasn't called me back once. So I guess my sister is putting the lean on her to get her to communicate with me or her.

Ceremony readings have not been finalized, and I am starting to think about that.. it should have been done for a while now... GRR..

Candy buffet is coming together... well sorta. I am freaked about the cost of that!

Place cards. So my coordinator came up with this cute idea. Take the take-out boxes (for the buffett) and put a hanging namecard on them with ribbon. I love the idea.. Joe does too. So glad I will post pictures when I actually get one put together.

I think that is all I have right now. I just wanted to share some with my friends list.