|
[25 Nov 2009|12:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
I have a confession, two parts actually. Both have to do with kids.
The first thing. Elijah doesn't speak, or interact very well with anyone, so it is really hard to find out when he is uncomfortable because his diaper is wet, or when he is hungry. So we have gotten into a habit of making sure that he is changed every 2.5 hours, and that he is fed as soon as he gets up, lunch time around 1:00 and dinner with us. Sometimes he will take snacks in between. Today I completely forgot his feeding schedule. I haven't been feeling well today, because I got my period. I just sort of laid on the couch and watched him play and run around. I laid him down for his nap a little late, but we had dinner at our normal time. We had homemade pizza, and Elijah ate his part of his piece. He got down, but 10 minutes later was trying to get his food again.
I forgot to feed him lunch, and his breakfast is always light. How do I handle this? Elijah may never speak, he may be autistic, and speech may never happen, and what then? What if I forget to feed him, and I think a tantrum is just because he needs a nap. Its all I can think of when I do something stupid like that.
Secondly, another baby. Its not happening, now or ever, but since I see girls on my FL popping up pregnant again. I think they are brave women, definitely stronger than I am. I can't do that again. Ever. But it gets me to thinking. We got pregnant on purpose, because I have PCOS and we expected it to never happen, and if it did, it wouldn't happen so quickly. Well it happened within two months, so we were excited. But Elijah isn't the only one I want, I just don't want to give birth again. Joe and I have discussed possibly adopting in the future and I think that will happen, but It will be at least 3-4 years before that process is even started.
Its just these things are on my mind and I need to get them out. I feel anxious about being a mom everyday, but days when I realize Elijah has needs that he can't or won't express and may never, it breaks me down. Hard.
|
|
|
[24 Nov 2009|01:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
So I have come to a life empass. I said about a week ago how Joe was having some issues with his employer.. Welll basically they gave him two options, quit (with or without a two week notice) and get paid all of his PTO at the end of his job, or go on a 45 day probation. The probation would likely mean that any issue, related or not to the issue at hand would end in terminatino and loss of his PTO. He has 120 hours of PTO, a pretty decent payout. He decided basically that he was going to give 2 weeks notice, and move to Pittsburgh.
This is great right? Except I just got accepted to Penn State Harrisburg. Harrisburg and Main Campus are the only two campuses that offer an Accounting degree, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to go to Penn State Greater Pittsburgh.
This would mean: 1. I finish school here in Harrisburg and keep Elijah with me, and stay here for 1.5 years and Joe moves to Pittsburgh and accepts a job. OR 2. I don't go to school yet again and move to Pittsburgh with Joe. Pushing back my degree yet another 1-2 semesters.
I hate option one the least. So it looks like as of right now me and Joe will be living apart for the next 1.5 years, and I will be finishing my degree in hopefully 5 semesters.
|
|
|
[17 Nov 2009|03:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
So Joe has been having issues with work lately. He is a full time salary employee. This means that he has to stay late some nights. Lately he has been working 10 hour days with no lunch (due to work load) on Tuesdays. So on Friday after his work is completed he would leave about 1 hour early.
This is was always acceptable, until last week. In fact when he was employeed his boss explained this as common practice, because he could expect to work some Saturdays and he could expect one of his days cut short if there was no work. This week, his boss bitched about it and gave some shit. Well after much looking up and information from other people... he's not even on the right pay as far as exempt to non exempt salary employees. He should be getting overtime and all that. He is going to be contacting the Department of Labor about it because he's not happy...
BUT He got a call for a meeting with his boss, his supervisor and someone else today at 4. Now he is piss scared that he is going to get fired.
This is fucking annoying. Either way, he gets let go and they are going to lose the unemployment fight, as he hasn't slipped since he was "reprimanded (read bitched)" and that would not allow for a chance to screw up.
|
|
| An open letter |
[11 Nov 2009|04:12am] |
I don't know how to exactly go about this but I have to get it out before it consumes me. A few nights ago I saw Carlee hurt in a way I've never seen happen to her. But it's something I feel constantly and one of the reasons I hate Harrisburg. The city has nothing to do with it just the people and the memories. Here is my open letter to a man that could never understand.
Dear Robin,
Everyday I wake up I hurt. Not physically but emotionally, and not because of Joe but you. I love Joe he is the light of my life and makes me feel appreciated and important to someone. He is someone I would cry about if he left for an extended period of time or permanently. Because I love him, the way I love you. No not past tense I still love you. I have accepted that we are not two people that belong with one another, but it does not make me stop loving you. I spent too long alone after you because I thought you could only love one person the way I love you. When I finally saw a chance at real happiness I went for it. I didn't think what I was getting into was a new love. I love you but I can never be with you. Why I wish I knew. We seem so right together at first but everytime we fell apart and like a train wreck. Now why does this make me hurt everyday? Because I think of everything great we have and how Joe couldn't compare. But I never think of the bad times. Like when I came to see you tat your apartment to ask for a second chance and you refused me after I poured my heart out to you. When your mom came to me a few months layer and begged me to help you because you were into drugs. I reached out to you again and you told me I was the reason you were on drugs. I moved to Pittsburgh just a few months later trying to run away from what I thought was my fault. It was only till after a great friendship from someone who helped me up did I reach out to you again. I did and we reformed a friendship and bond I thought was unbreakable this time. But you broke me down again, my whole life crashed again in just 4 months. Everything was gone again. I stayed in bed basically for 6 months. Besides work I did nothing.
You hurt me so bad and everyday that I wake and realize I still love you reminds me of every good and bad thing you have done to me. When I see your sister or mom out I choke. I fear that they hate me and I liked them so much. Or that they will just say your name and I will fall apart or they will see the truth in my eyes. Nothing unfortunately will help me stop loving you. I can only make sure I realize how much you hurt me. Everyday I realize the hurt is hard but I am trying.
Shana
I realize this sounds crazy but it is 4 am and I had to get it out. I may delete or edit it in the morning. Hopefully someday I can just send this. He can see the pain he caused and understand why we won't ever have the friendship we have both discussed in the past.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
|
|
|
[09 Nov 2009|02:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relaxed |
] |
Thank you everyone for the kind words and encouragement regarding my last post. Tomorrow we are going to have our initial intake appointment for Elijah with the Early Intervention Unit in our county. Hopefully we can get some kind of answers and some kind of resolution.
Other than that, nothing is going on with us at all!
If anyone is interested in pictures of Elijah please check them out here
|
|
|
[05 Nov 2009|05:25pm] |
|
I got a tooth pulled today which sucks. But after we were done we went to Target and this is what we saw: 
If you can't see it well here is the close up 
I asked Joe if I could ask for Mr. Huckabee and spit blood in his face. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
|
|
|
[03 Nov 2009|03:17am] |
|
I am crying. Yesterday evening me and Joe were discussing the language issues we are experiencing with Elijah. As everyone knows, it has been going on since about 10 months. We thought he was just behind because of the blocked ears before his tube surgery. Since his tube surgery almost 5 months ago, he has not gained any words, not learned any new "sounds" and has actually lost a few words. We are frustrated, because everyone just keeps saying "give it time".
Joe and myself, along with my father have no problem communicating, non verbally, without body movements to what Elijah needs. Really, the boy doesn't point at his juice cup, he doesn't point to his bottle for naps/bedtime. He will just find a way to get them if they are within sight. We see these actions, intercept and try to force communication of SOME kind. Rarely does it work, generally it turns into a tantrum. More like a fit actually. He will throw himself on the ground and kick his legs and arms. At first we thought this was a sign of just a bad temper, but it seems to happen ANYTIME he can't focus communication into what he wants.
Joe and I both believe we are witnessing some sort of developmental delay. Whether it be from something on the autism spectrum, or just a speech delay. But I am thinking the first. I love Elijah so so much, and this is so painful. He is so beautiful and smart, and he doesn't deserve this, no one does.
I am crying for my son, it just hurts me so bad. And I feel like I am screaming this information to the doctors and no one is listening. If this appointment they don't refer us, I am notifying them I intend to leave their practice. They are a great doctor, but they just aren't listening to me. I am with my son 14 hours a day, I know him, I know who he is, and no one is listening.
Please keep Elijah in your thoughts. Hope for the best. Why does this have to be so hard.
As an addition, I am adding the list of common symptoms of ASD/PDD (autism spectrum). Bolding Elijah's issues, for my own record.
* Insistence on sameness; resistance to change
* Difficulty in expressing needs, using gestures or pointing instead of words
* Repeating words or phrases in place of normal, responsive language
* Laughing (and/or crying) for no apparent reason; showing distress for reasons not apparent to others
* Preference to being alone; aloof manner
* Tantrums
* Difficulty in mixing with others
* Not wanting to cuddle or be cuddled
* Little or no eye contact
* Unresponsive to normal teaching methods
* Sustained odd play
* Spinning objects
* Obsessive attachment to objects
* Apparent over-sensitivity or under-sensitivity to pain
* No real fears of danger
* Noticeable physical over-activity or extreme under-activity
* Uneven gross/fine motor skills
* Non-responsive to verbal cues; acts as if deaf, although hearing tests in normal range
|
|
|
[01 Nov 2009|04:30pm] |
|
Testing out lj app on my new iPhone. Loving it so far 
As an added bonus a picture of Elijah. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
|
|
|
[17 Oct 2009|11:07pm] |
I am a huge believer that you are responsible for your life. However some things in your life may be out of control. I don't know a single woman who would say that a glass ceiling does not exist.
It exists, there are ton's of studies, there are obvious truths to it. Yet this girl who has a problem with me in class says that no... there is no glass ceiling and those women who don't get the jobs just aren't trying hard enough or aren't capable. Please tell that to my mother who has been passed over for a GM position at her store twice, by two men who have almost 10 years less experience *each* in retail, and haven't been in all the departments that my mom has done. Please ask the few female CEO's who will more than confirm its existence, idiot.
Don't fucking argue about a known issue in the corporate world and make yourself look stupid!
By the way, does anyone know the psychological term for people who give up after they have been rejected or denied something so many times. I know there is a term, i just can't figure it out.
|
|
|
[12 Oct 2009|03:02am] |
|
I am considering applying for an internship with a Big 4 Accounting firm (a very big deal) In Pittsburgh. If I could get the job, and get it year round (they do have those) me and Joe could move back to Pittsburgh!
What I am reading online about their internships the jobs pay about 20$/hr. HOLY EFFF I really don't know. My GPA is only above the requirements and I am only at the end of my second year. If you had the opportunity would you try? Would you take it if you got it?
|
|
|
[07 Oct 2009|02:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
Joe didn't get the job in DC so we are back on the hunt for new jobs. So here in wonderful PA for.... how long I don't know. Its not that I hate here, I just don't love it. And with the impending winter... well I don't love it even more. I love being back instructing guard and helping out. I am working on some of the drill for indoor, and its pretty cool. We are doing this mash up between 80s rock and 40s big band.
I don't have anything thats new other than that.
|
|
|
[06 Oct 2009|02:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
I have always been a strong believer in the thought that it is OK to stay with friends with exes... so long as everything stays at that point. However since moving back I have reconnected with an ex. He knows I'm engaged, have Elijah. He is divorced and dating someone. He would totally love to hang out with all of us, but I'm nervous. Our relationship was purely sexual at the time of the relationship. We broke up basically because I moved to Pittsburgh, and there just was not enough to keep me in Harrisburg, and he wasn't going to up and move there.
We broke up on great terms, even had several good bye romps. My problem is I feel like I'm going to still be attracted to him sexually. I have no interest in a romantic relationship with the guy. But this dude is great. Not only that I think him and Joe would get along incredibly well. How the hell do I get over this thought!
|
|
|
[30 Sep 2009|03:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
I forgot to make this post on Sunday or Monday when we got back from Pittsburgh, so I will do that now.
Wednesday night we went down to DC. We stayed at a nice hotel, and Joe had his interview Thursday morning. He thinks it went really well. This was the second interview so we are biting at the bits just waiting to hear back (he should tomorrow). We checked out some possible homes down there after the interview. We looked at 8, based on the area, and they style/slze of the house, we liked 2 of those 8. TWO. One may be under contract... And we didn't even see the inside of the house, we just saw them from the street or through the windows (Most are foreclosures). So those were two houses under our very strict guidelines, that we may have to open up to different things. It doesn't help that our price point is lower, but we've already been approved for a mortgage, so we know that we can get up to the amount we are looking at.
We drove up to Pittsburgh from DC Thursday afternoon. We stopped in and had dinner with Craig, Tom and Trudi. We got to actually catch up so that was nice. *side* Better than Pride weekend. I don't know if I posted about that, but Josh and Craig broke up in January, and things were still akward around June. Well... Craig basically avoided him, and thus, kinda avoided us because we were trying to hang out with all of our friends, and do what we planned.
We then moved on our way to Scooter and Carrie's, that is who we were staying with. We got there and Elijah was passed out, so we put him right into bed. The next morning... was beyond belief. Please... get comfortable.
Elijah and Joe are morning people.. mommy is not. I usually wake up, on my own, at 11AM. Elijah wakes me up at 9AM most days, and I fall over myself watching him till I completely wake up. But Friday I was lucky Joe was there, because I could sleep him. It was about 10AM, and Joe and Elijah were doing the normal morning stuff, getting dressed, and feeding Elijah. I vaguely remember Joe saying something to Elijah about leaving Nanuke(Scooter and Carrie's dog) alone. The rest, is a blur.
I hear a growl from the dog, and then a scream for Elijah, then a scream from Joe, and then constant crying. Joe started freaking out, and I am awake wide eyed. Joe isn't really speaking at all, but I can see what is going on. Elijah is bleeding. BAD. I couldn't see how many cuts, I couldn't see where, I just saw blood. We get a paper towel (silly right?) and its soaked in about 20 seconds. I take Elijah into the kitchen and sit him on the counter, trying to get a clearer image of what is going on. I see it. A big cut, right on his forehead at the hairline. I remember my legs going weak, and I started to shake, and crying even more. It took us about 15 more seconds and we decided to go to the hospital. Mind you, we don't know where the fuck one is... AND OH DID I MENTION ... It was Pittsburgh, PA, site of the G-20 Summit, on the day of the G-20 Summit!!!! We found a close hospital. Joe is still not really talking, just crazy in shock. He deals differently, I guess.
I tell the ER intake person that it is a dog bite. I don't know what it is, but thats the only thing that I could think it was. You only think of most plausible right? well everything gets sort of settled and the doctor sees him. However Elijah will not be involved with any doctor or nurse. Now mind you he hugs his pediatrician, and tries to give her kisses! So they have to send us to the Children's Hospital about 6 miles away, but in in the city, where there are tons of G-20 protestors. We have to wait for an ambulance, because some roads were blocked off because of them. It took about 40 minutes. Luckily, Elijah gets calmed by things like Little Einsteins!
We get to the Children's hospital and it is now around 12 PM. Joe is now talking, and explains to me what happened. We explained it to the new intake person, but she has to go on the original information, no matter how hysterical.... So animal control had to call Scooter and Carrie, and the dog had to be quarintined. Well the rest is pretty hospital standard. They sedated him which was funny and very scary! We couldn't be in the room while they cleaned the wound and stitched him up. After it was done, we found out the wound was about 3 inches long, and 1/4 inch deep, which is to the skull. There are 13 stitches. 3 inside and 10 outside.
We left the hospital around 6 PM. Elijah took a nap... we get home and everyone is so worried about Elijah being in pain, traumatized, and whatever. Do you know as soon as we got in the door, the boy started running around, and went directly for.... THE DOG. He gave the dog a hug, and the dog didn't move. The dog was very scared, I guess he understood that he had done something wrong.
The actual story. Elijah attempted to crawl up to the dog, to give him a hug. The dog did not want to be bothered, and tried to get away (we have seen this from all of my parent's dogs). The dog is big and frumpy and didn't get far enough away from Elijah. When he came down his claw accidentally came across Elijah's forehead. The dog didn't bite him, didn't attempt to do harm, it was just an accident.
Elijah had problems sleeping that night, that was definitely part to do with the pain I am sure. He was up and down every hour. The rest of everything, pretty uneventful. Saturday we spent the day with Scooter and Carrie, since it was their 10th wedding anniversary. Sunday morning we had breakfast with Craig, Tom, and Trudi. Like seriously, a sit down great restaurant breakfast.
In me news, I am still doing awesome in school. Not great, but a 3.33 GPA isn't bad at all. I am instructing guard, and some of the girls like me. But with 16 girls, I don't get anyone's name very well. Some of the other guard instructors are interesting personalities.. in a bad way....
|
|
|
[22 Sep 2009|03:43am] |
So Joe has a second job interview in DC on Thursday. We were set to leave for Pittsburgh around noon on Thursday, but it looks like we will be leaving DC for Pittsburgh on Thursday around 2PM. While the job is in the Metro DC area, and there is a cost of living jump, we are already negotiating salary with the company. Joe told them his desires for income on the first interview, and they called him back... sounds promising right? He has tons of experience for the job.
Our only problem, we currently own the trailer here. And we still owe about $6,000 on it still. I wouldn't have a problem selling it for exactly what we owe.. I don't see an issue with that. JUST GET US OUT!
A wonderful possibility from moving to DC... with the new income are pre-approved for a mortgage for up to 160K. Because there is an almost 20K+ income jump our debt to income ratio drops to exactly where we need it. We have been looking at places in the 120-145K range, to give us a cushion. If we can buy a place before Dec 1st, we will get the 8,000$ tax credit, which we qualify on. This means Joe would get 8 grand back on his taxes, which would be a bonus on top of the 900$ he normally gets. That is almost 9 grand. This is in addition to the 4.5 grand I get in a refund. 13.5 grand. YES, thirteen thousand dollars. Now, about 4 grand of that would go to Joe's back Child Support. Unfortunately, that is still here, but we have been paying on it for the past 3 years solid, so that is good. But 9.5 grand WHAT!!!! That is 3 grand over our wedding budget, which would allow us to pay on some additional debts and have the wedding of our dreams!
I cannot see anything wrong with buying this house, getting this job, and getting out of our freaking trailer park. As soon as we get the job offer the trailer is going on the market, wherever I can list it.
Everyone keep your fingers crossed!!!
|
|
|
[20 Sep 2009|01:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
So for the past few weeks I have been having problems with my vision. I planned to schedule a visit to the eye docs in the next 2-3 weeks, probably the beginning of October. However, today I lost one of my contacts between putting them in, and getting into the car (about 50 feet). Well I don't have anymore right eye contacts left, so I made the decision instead of being FULLY blind I would be...off in prescription and use the left eye contact in my right eye. I don't know what the difference is, I'd actually have to look at the box. Well using the left contact fixed my sight problem. I don't know how this is going to do to my eyes, because I have differences in astigmatism in each eye. But whatever, Im not squinting to read freaking EVERYTHING.
So in other news, I might have to go back and friends only certain entries. I completely forgot that my whole name is in my info. Not just my first name. Well my dad was asking me about pictures of Elijah that he knew Joe had put on a webpage. However, he didn't know what the webpage was... so he said he put in my name, and Elijah's name, and got my livejournal. and he just said " I saw a few pictures of Elijah, but most was not". I about died. I don't know the last time I bitched about my mom, or complained about stuff that I wouldn't really share with my family. OY.
Happy Jewish New Year to everyone.. Shana Tova (in Hebrew). It actually started Friday at sundown and goes till tomorrow.. but I haven't made any recent posts.. so.
|
|
| Writer's Block: My Dream Job |
[15 Sep 2009|02:46am] |
I thought I would answer this because I think some people will enjoy a laugh about my answer. My dream job is working for a major tax firm doing auditing. Depending on the company I work for, and the level I make it to, I could be working all over the world. I think that would be excellent. To be able to travel and see the world and get paid bucko bucks to get find people doing unethical things.
Now why do I think people will get a laugh out of it? Because it is the most boring job in the world. Auditing people is boring. Hell Accounting is really fucking boring... but I LOVE IT.
Do I think I will be able to get there? I don't honestly know. I may get there to a government job, but I don't know that I will be able to get to those ranks in the private sector.
|
|
|
[03 Sep 2009|08:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weird |
] |
Joe has a job interview in Alexandria, VA on Sept 15th. For a job that would pay about 14K per year more than the current one.
We could end up living right outside of DC... cool and rough at the same time. So I am looking up information about renting a place down there in case it does happen, because it will happen quick if it does. *deep breaths* It could be a huge move for us though, because when I complete my degree I will immediately test for my CPA and being at the Nation's Capitol IRS hello!
Alright, all i got right now.
|
|
|
[01 Sep 2009|10:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weird |
] |
Joe went to an Army recruiter today to see about going back to the military....
...yea.....
Anyways, this time he would be an officer, and it would be a bigger income and a new location. Only problem for him is that he would need to drop 9 inches from his waist or gain 2 inches on his neck, or some combo of the both. I can't be mad, because it would be a big step for him, but how can I be happy about him going back into the military.
|
|
|
[29 Aug 2009|05:39pm] |
Just to let everyone know about my weight loss travels. I started out just two months ago at 268. Weightwatchers has been a huge success and I have already suprassed my 10% goal.
Currently, I weight 248 lbs. This is HUGE! In two months I could be down another 20 lbs, and just 2 months after that right at the 200 mark. It is so close. I feel that I may be able to do it better, but I fell off the wagon for about two weeks after Aeline arrived. Well I wasn't eating unhealthy or gorging myself, I just wasn't using the tracker, so I may have slightly went over my points.
If anyone is on WW and wants to try a good recipe and likes seafood PLEASE try their coconut shrimp. Its 5 points of yumminess! And I leave you with a picture... of me and Elijah before we go to Aeline's party.
|
|
|
[28 Aug 2009|03:19am] |
So in my new classes this week, and its an ethics course. Which is pretty easy, especially when you know what right and wrong is..
But funny thing, in the class for everyday late you are you are docked 10% from the grade, I handed my paper in 1 day late because I went to NYC and got back later than we had planned. I crashed when I got home. But Tuesday I completed my paper and handed it in around 5 PM. I told the teacher I was submitting it late.
I got my paper back today and he gave me an 95%. I feel like I should say something, but he should be aware of his own grading scale. Eh, Im going to have to say something for it. Because I just can't do it.
Other than that, nothing huge going on. Elijah is moving to his toddler bed, its awesome. Finally getting our bed back. NYC was great. I got to see a ton of places, and didn't get to see a lot more. So we are going to have to go back. Joe wants to go to Puerto Rico in October. We had plans when I was working, which basically we wouldn't been able to do if I was. But now I just dont know if we are going to have money still. The tickets for the two of us is 500$ together, Elijah is free. We probably wouldn't have too many problems with bills, hopefully, but Christmas might be a problem. Maybe. 500$ and he has a Marine buddy down there who has this huge house we would stay with. Somewhere I have never been... He misses, and would be a nice vacation for him. He has been doing so much at work lately.
I am leaving it up to you peoples let me know what you think.
Poll #1450028 Vacation?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 2Puerto Rico?
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
2 (100.0%)